A Lesson in the Loss

Just a few days ago a dear friend suddenly passed. So if I am going to write today, its going to be about where my mind is at right now in this moment… These past few days have unexpectedly become about trying to cope and process, as well as loving others. I know so many (a family, friends, and community) have been greatly affected by this loss, lives forever changed. My body knows she’s gone and it hurts to my bones but my mind has not caught up yet, I have constantly had moments these past few days where I can’t grasp she is gone and the tears fall.

As I read the condolences on Facebook and photos, there are a few adjectives constantly repeated: kind, adventurous, sweet and beautiful. I would use the same words to describe her gentle soul. She was the kind of person who made a positive impact without being at the forefront. She had a servant’s heart – unconditionally loving those around her through actions and words. With that heart she loved those around her without the need to be noticed, and that heart is still making an impact though she is gone…

Yesterday a friend told me “we exist by opposites.”

We know love because we know hate.

We are happy because we are sad.

We live (to the fullest?), because we die. Wohaaaa.

We then talked about how many people, my self included at times, get caught up in simply existing. We live just to get by. But the loss of this sweet friend has caused me for the first time to really ponder my purpose her on earth.

“The question is not whether we will die, but how we will live.”- Joan Borysenko

There is so much more to life then just getting by. Her passing has reminded me to pursue my time here on earth at full speed, with full intent and with all my heart. To not take my time or anyones time for granted.

I think a lot of us seem to think that we’ll live forever. We spend time and money as though we’ll always here and those things are what will make life so wonderful. We buy shiny things as though they matter and are worth the debt and stress of attachment. We put off the so-called “trip of a lifetime” for another year, because we all assume we have another year. We don’t tell those ones we love how much we love them often enough because we assume there’s always tomorrow.

And we fear.

Oh, do we fear.

We stick it out in miserable jobs and situations because we’re afraid of the risk of stepping out and change. We don’t reach high enough or far enough because we’re worried we’ll fail. We think we’ve got forever and that these concerns that weigh us down are so pressing.

Wednesday, I woke up annoyed and frustrated over the littlest comment someone had made the day before. I opened snapchat, and per usual I had a load of snaps waiting for me from my dear friend. I watched each as her face flashed across the screen, her voice coming through my speakers on a few. Not realizing just how important that moment would be later that day. Once they were over, I went right back to my day, annoyed and frustrated. Little did I know those moments on snapchat would never happen again, and the snaps I had sent in return would never be opened. Plans together will never be fulfilled, and conversations that were to be continued will be left unsaid.

We worry about things of little importance to neglect the most precious thing we have: moments we’ll never ever get again. We fear taking risks, unaware that the biggest risk we are taking is not pursuing the things we have dreamed of, made us happy, loving like crazy and appreciating moments instead of things. 

Though this loss incomprehensible, through it my sweet friend has helped me realize this… life is short and I must live it now, love boldly and live intentionally in all things I do. We’ve got less time then we think. 10940484_10202686460121116_5296093018012751962_n Sweet girl – I am immensely grateful for the love and friendship you gave me, I love you and I will miss you for the rest of my life. Until we meet again….

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Self Doubt & Low Self-Esteem

So with the changing of my body, getting healthy and the all around lifestyle changes has come a new found confidence and love for myself that I never knew could really exist. It’s a work in progress and will continue to be, but with it I have been reflecting on my past unlike ever before, this journey already has brought so much light to things in my life.

 

I feel like I always dealt with self-doubt and low self-esteem for most of my life. Continue reading